Full disclaimer – I'm a bit of a wreck today…

 

Day978

Day 98

I don’t like to complain and I don’t like when the people I love worry either. That said, I tend to keep things to myself, pain, both emotional and physical are kept close to the vest.  There was no hiding it today though…Perhaps I should back up a bit to provide an explanation…

I lived a life prior to the one I have now, one that had a lot of consequences and repercussions that were really rather visible.  When I got clean and sober, everything changed and it was easy to forget that I lived that way for a very long time.  It’s easy to think that after nearly 13 years of good clean living that I should be a marvel of health, except that I’m not.  I have chronic gastritis, ulcers that flair at the very mention of stress, I take anti-anxiety and anti-depressants to manage the trauma I experienced living that life and my immune system is completely shot from my body trying to manage all of the damage I did for all of those years.

I’ve been sick for weeks now trying to manage my symptoms while we try to uncover what’s wrong but I stayed pretty quiet as I never want my family to fret (god knows I’ve worried them enough).  Today we were planning a family get together and we called to let everyone know I wasn’t up for the lunch.  We didn’t reach my sister, but I know she’s busy so I thought maybe she just hadn’t replied.  I was wrong.  She, her husband and my precious niece all arrived at noon and there I was a nauseous, fevery emotional wreck (cold turkey from your anti-depressants because you keep throwing them up is bad, very bad).  I cried because I was happy to see them, cried because I couldn’t help it and cried because I made my niece cry.

There is no picture from today – I’m too physically and emotionally exhausted to muster the necessary creativity and energy.  I snapped this pic yesterday and I post it today because it shows how I feel; raw, cold and weary.  I will say that despite all of this, I’m grateful.  Weird right?  I’m grateful that I’m alive, surrounded by people who love me and I’m grateful that I’m clean and sober.

“Remember, it’s just a bad day, not a bad life.” Unknown

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